Self Esteem & Self-Worth

A client told me once that someone at work had paid them a compliment, and they'd spent the rest of the afternoon trying to work out what the person wanted from them.

They laughed when they said it. Then they went quiet, because they'd heard themselves.

If that lands, you probably know the voice I mean. The one that runs commentary on you. The one with an explanation ready for every good thing that happens.

Most people have a version of it

What matters is what yours says to you, and how much of it you take as fact.

You've likely had yours a long time. Long enough that it stopped sounding like a voice and started sounding like an accurate assessment of who you are.

Where it came from

I want to say this early, because it changes what's possible. You weren't born with it. It was built.

Sometimes by something obvious. A parent who was hard to please. A school that ranked you against everyone else. A relationship where your partner made you feel less than.

Often it turns out that you were the capable one, so nobody thought to ask how you were doing. You worked out young that love came with conditions attached. You learned that other people's needs came first, and you learned it thoroughly enough that you stopped noticing your own.

However it got there, it was taught to you. Things that are taught can be untaught, and that's the whole basis of this work.

Where it shows up

Usually in ordinary places. Saying yes when you meant no, and then being annoyed with yourself about it all week. Apologising for things that were never yours to apologise for. Doing far more than the job actually asked for, because doing enough has never once felt like enough.

It shows up in bigger places too. A lot of people settle for a job, or a relationship, or a way of being spoken to, because underneath it matches what they believe they're worth. Then living with it becomes more evidence that they were right.

Why affirmations haven't worked

If you've stood in front of a mirror telling yourself you're enough and felt faintly ridiculous, you're in good company. Same goes for writing out a list of your good qualities. You can read your own list and believe none of it.

Self-worth sits below the reasoning part of you, in what got wired in when you were young enough to take it as simple fact. That's why understanding your own patterns changes so little on its own. You can see the whole thing clearly and still feel exactly the same.

It's also why I use EMDR for this work. It reaches the level the belief is actually stored on.

Something you can try this week

Next time the voice starts up, don't argue with it. Just notice whose voice it sounds like.

Not whether it's true. Not what to say back. Only whose it is.

Most people can name it within a day or two, and it's rarely their own. That one question puts a small gap between you and it, and the gap is where all of this work happens.

Self-care and self-worth are the same conversation

Self-care gets sold as a routine. The morning ritual, the green juice, the journalling, the walk at sunrise.

For someone who already believes they're falling short, every one of those turns into another list to be behind on. I've had clients arrive feeling worse about themselves after three weeks of trying to look after themselves properly, which tells you something about the order we've got it in.

Self-care works once you believe you're worth the same care you hand out to everyone else without thinking twice. Get that in place and the practices tend to sort themselves out.

This is the work I care most about, and it runs through everything I do.

What we'd do

We'd start by getting the voice out where we can both look at it. What it says, when it turns up, whose it is.

Then we'd go after where it was built, because seeing the source is what turns "this is who I am" back into "this is what I was taught".

Alongside that we'd work on the practical end. Saying no. Asking for something you want. Holding a boundary and getting through the next two days without unpicking it.

What changes

Taking a compliment without explaining it away. Making a decision without running it past four people first. Getting to the end of a day and noticing the commentary was quiet.

And eventually the big one. Asking for what you want, out loud, as though you're allowed to want it.

Starting

The first session is a working session. We'll start on what's happening now, and I want you leaving that first hour with something you can use.

I've been doing this for twenty years, in person in Joondalup and by video anywhere in Australia. With a mental health treatment plan from your GP, Medicare rebates part of each session.

Call me on 0410 461 588

If you're not ready for a session

That's a reasonable place to be, and there are other ways in.

The Reconnect to Self podcast. My husband Scott and I make it together, and this is most of what we talk about. Self-worth, boundaries, looking after yourself, the patterns that got set early. It's free, and nobody has to know you're listening.

The Reconnect to Self retreat. Three days working through this properly with a small group, run by me. Some people come to the retreat first and start therapy afterwards. Plenty do it the other way round.